How (not) to make a burrito, by Mark
Tonight when I asked Mark what he wanted for dinner, he replied, “nothing,” and proceeded to help himself to a large pile of saltines. “You are not eating saltines for dinner,” I informed him. “Why not?” “Because you need nutrients. I’m making burritos, will you eat one?”
We went back and forth about the burritos, with Mark being rather picky about what he would accept in his burrito (including, oddly, cucumbers), until I finally said, “why don’t you make your own damn burrito?”
So he did. And he suggested that I share the wonder of his burrito making “skill” with you. So I did.
First you need to gather the ingredients. These include canned pinto beans, Ro-Tel tomatoes, chopped onions, hot sauce, salt, and (oddly) a cucumber.
Oh, and tortillas.
Open the cans using a can opener.
Mark is unsure about canned goods. He thinks they all smell bad. This is because he’s in charge of feeding Brachtune her tuna and that really does smell bad.
Get over your disgust and plow on through with the burrito-making process.
Pour the beans into a strainer …
… and rinse.
Look how Mark balanced the strainer on the sink! How talented he is in the kitchen!
What step is next, I wonder?
Oh yes, the chopping!
First, murder your wife.
Then go to business on that cucumber.
(This is about when I told Mark he was finished with the cucumber.)
Remove a tortilla from the package.
Tortillas can serve many purposes. For one, they help prevent the spread of swine flu.
They can also be large yarmulkes.
If, instead, you’d like to eat the tortilla, place it on a work surface. Arrange your chopped cucumbers in the middle.
Add some of the beans. No need to cook them!
Instead, just smash them down.
Choose only the finest tomatoes from the tin. The only way to know which are best is to taste them.
Put them on the tortilla as well and smash.
Get some onions. The onions are a very important part of the burrito.
Add them to the pile on the tortilla.
Generously sprinkle some hot sauce over the tortilla.
Your tortilla should now look like this:
But we’ve forgotten the most important ingredient!
Now fold the tortilla up:
Your meal-in-a-hand is done!
Enjoy!
Mmmmm!
Wait a minute …
… this is a little disgusting.
And also messy.
The final product:
And that was Mark’s dinner tonight.
Warning: Mark’s burritos may cause insanity.
As delicious as Mark’s burrito looked, I chose not to follow his recipe. I made my own burrito, which consisted of pinto beans that I cooked, with vegan nacho cheese, tomatoes, onions, taco sauce, vegan sour cream, and a distinct lack of cucumbers.
Not too pretty, but very tasty and very satisfying!
Mark Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 9:37 pm
I am so awesome.
poopiebitch Said,
April 30, 2009 @ 10:10 pm
Best. Burrito. Tutorial. EVER.
Also, I have sorta an odd question for you. I have a ton of tuna left over from when my husband used to eat tuna (the store was running a deal and with coupons I got the tuna for FREE), but now that he doesn’t eat tuna anymore it’s just languishing in the pantry. It’s packets of Starkist… would you like it for Brachtune? If you would use it, I will totally package it up and send it to you!
Josiane Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 12:37 am
Too funny! No offense to Mark, but I think I’d go with something closer to your recipe…
Theresa Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 12:55 am
That was probably the funniest blog post I’ve read in a long time. What a fun kitchen!
Theresa Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 12:55 am
That was probably the funniest blog post I’ve read in a long time. What a fun kitchen!
Ksenia Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 2:07 am
Mark funny faces always make me laugh xD That was a GREAT tutorial. I loved it =) (and laughed a lot =P)
kibbles Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 8:05 am
I think I woke my roommates up laughing (it’s like, 9am). I love it! I will be sure NOT to try that burrito. 🙂
Stephen Spencer Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 8:37 am
Today my mother said “I want to make something vegan for dinner!” So I directed her to your website and what before our wondering eyes does appear? Mark making a nasty burrito…
I think we’ll try our hands at something else.
Stephen Spencer Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 8:37 am
Today my mother said “I want to make something vegan for dinner!” So I directed her to your website and what before our wondering eyes does appear? Mark making a nasty burrito…
I think we’ll try our hands at something else.
mark Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 10:32 am
Stephen,
Thanks for the scathing review. To everyone else, thank you, I love you.
renae Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 10:48 am
Poopiebitch, if you don’t know anyone closer to you who would take the tuna, Brachtune would love it. She gets it as a treat after her injections. It’s very kind of you to offer! I can email you my address if you don’t have it. Thank you!
Katy Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 1:49 pm
Lol, I was getting worried when he put cucumber in his burrito. Needless to say, yours looks much better!
Great tutorial though!
Katy Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 1:49 pm
Lol, I was getting worried when he put cucumber in his burrito. Needless to say, yours looks much better!
Great tutorial though!
Courtney Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 5:30 pm
YOUR burrito looks great! I don’t think Mark’s is going to a big hit with anyone, though…
I love the tortilla as a Swine Flu protector–too funny!
Courtney
poopiebitch Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 9:44 pm
Renae,
No one in my ‘real’ life will take it, so I will send it to you! I still have your address from the skillets you sent me 🙂
poopiebitch Said,
May 1, 2009 @ 9:44 pm
Renae,
No one in my ‘real’ life will take it, so I will send it to you! I still have your address from the skillets you sent me 🙂
Erin Said,
May 6, 2009 @ 6:17 pm
Hahaha, your burrito tutorial is hilarious. I especially like the face he made after taking a bite. Yours looks a lot better!
rahno Said,
October 12, 2010 @ 3:17 am
Oddly enough, I came upon your blog while googling for a picture of sandal tan lines and this burrito post was the first thing on the page. Just wanna say you guys made me laugh today (^_^)